Saturday, October 10, 2009

Three hours of Chaos at the Capitol

(Everyone seems to be having such fun with this that I thought I'd give it a shot.)

Washington: President Barack Obama was awarded, Friday morning, the distinguished Nobel Peace Prize. Speaker of the House of Representatives, Nancy Pelosi, in her Capitol office at the time, reportedly received word of the momentous event from an aid in her office.

"That's when all hell broke loose" said a capitol security guard. "We had to put the entire capitol complex on lock-down for three and a half hours" he continued.

"We were brought in with our dogs, and every office in the building, every nook and cranny on the grounds was searched for explosives" said the Captain of the Washington Bomb Squad.

One Republican Congressman stated that "I really thought this was the real deal; I thought we were all going to die."

A visitor awaiting a 9:00 am scheduled appointment with Rep. Keith Ellison (Muslim, Minn.) said he heard the outburst and was initially startled by it -- "It was like I was back in my native country again. I thought at first, "can this be real,? can the Sons of the Ummah really have gained access to the capitol building in infidel America? And without my being notified?" said CAIR-Minnessota spokesman Yusuf Achman Mohammed Ali, who declined to comment on the nature of his scheduled meeting with Rep. Ellison.

The chaotic scene was apparently initiated early Friday morning when an aid to Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi received news that President Barack Hussein Obama had been chosen to receive the 2009 Nobel Peace Prize.

"As far as we can determine," said a capitol spokesperson and member of the Muslim brotherhood in Washington "this whole mess started when the aid broke the news to Ms. Pelosi in her capitol office. "Her office door was wide open" continued the spokesman "and when someone yells in here, well, the sound is very amplified."

There is some disagreement as to what was actually said, but several unnamed sources reported that they heard the words "Yahoo!" followed immediately by "Allah Akbar!" and "death to fascism!"

Ms. Pelosi admits to yelling out the word "yahoo" upon hearing the news, saying "it was just spontaneous, it just came out; I don't know where it came from, but I'm very proud I said it."

Pelosi insists, however, that she's sure she didn't use any Islamic expressions during the outburst. "I was so excited to hear the news that I don't really remember what I said exactly, but I know that I didn't say "Allah Akbar."

"What I probably said is Call-a-doc-tar!, an expression she insists she's been using since she was a young girl when her father first introduced the expression to her while they were visiting a California theme park. "We got on this huge wooden roller coaster. I was very nervous. My father looked over at me as we began to top the first rise and exclaimed "call-a-doc-tar!" "That's how the expression first came into being, and I've been using it ever since, both at times of great anxiety and of great personal excitement."

Asked whether she used the words "death to fascism," Ms. Pelosi replied "probably -- is there a problem with that?"

Speaker Pelosi declined an invitation to apologize for the disruption her outburst apparently caused, saying "what is there to apologize for? All I did was to express my overwhelming approval of the most legitimate and judicious awarding of this great prize in its entire history. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that, and therefore no reason to apologize. Had I been in a crowded theater at the time the aid brought this to my attention, I would have said the exact same thing with the same amount of enthusiasm. I repeat: Call-a-doc-tar!"

Yet to be determined is whether additional cries of "Allah Akbar" heard by a number of witnesses were the result of echos in the halls of the capitol or of different persons throughout the building spontaneously repeating the phrase. "It was probably just echos" said one capitol security guard, "we have no plans to further investigate the matter."